Bryce Alexander Clarke's Blog

www.BryceClarke.com

2008-11-25T23:57:00.000-08:00

www.BryceClarke.com is my updated website.

I Don't Use This Much Anymore. Also, my Second Post about Poop.

2008-07-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

I just had a weird memory.

When I was about 15 or so, my brothers and I spent a lot of our free time after school building a bike track out in the woods about 15 minutes from our house. One day when we were out there I needed to drop deuce pretty bad, so I found a flower pot laying around, walked away from everyone and did my thing.

This experience crossed my mind today, 12 years later, and for the first time since then I thought to myself, "Why did I choose to poop in a flower pot? "

Seriously, though. I was in the freaking woods...

P.S. I have posted a new website Team TechnoViking Adventure Racing.

I Am the Victim of Credit Card Fraud and Selective Memory

2008-01-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

I was going through my online account statement about an hour ago, and I noticed something very suspicious. As of right now, I have three charges for $5.19 pending on my account from somewhere named "IISN." I saw that and thought "WTFlip? What did Rachel possibly buy for $5.19, three times in a row?" I continued to scan my account summary and noticed that this same charge appeared several times. Turns out that over the past 3 months (as far back as I am able to see on my account) this charge appears about 15 times. So, 15 times $5.19 = Bryce is pissed. I asked Rachel about it, and of course she did not remember purchasing anything at all in the last few days. So, Rachel's response = Bryce is pissed. I called my bank and was connected to a really nice teller, which I didn't know existed. I mean she was nice like I was going to try to hook her up with my friend Tanner, nice. Anyway, I explained to her the suspicious charges, to which she responded saying that the charges do appear to her as fraudulent. She put a hold on the charges, deactivated my card, and opened an inquiry case. She then asked a series of questions; What was the last charge you made, does anyone else know your pin, would you be willing to prosecute the offender, etc. I answered the questions (with an emphatic YES to the prosecute the offender one, might I add) and she told me that I would hear the findings of the investigation in a week. Immediately after hanging up with the bank, I shredded my card. I then went downstairs to let my mom know that I was hopefully going to be emphatically prosecuting an offender in a very emphatic manner in the near future, emphatically. We started talking about about how the scheme must be working, and this was our conversation:

Mom: "It's so stupid that someone would steal a credit card number and only charge $5."

Bryce: "No it's pretty genius, I mean charge a little amount and they'll never notice it."

Mom: "You're right; charge 1,000 people $5 and you make off like a bandit."

Bryce: "Yep. The problem with this guy is that he got greedy. He charged too many times in one week, which was a dead giveaway." I pulled out my phone and opened up the calendar. "I mean he charged me three times this week... Look, I had one on Wednesday, I didn't buy anything on Wednesday. We didn't go out to lunch at work or anything, we just ate in the cafeteriaaaa-ooohhhhhhh-crap."

It hit me. For the past three months, every time I was on a certain client I would buy the same sandwich and a bag of chips for lunch. And yes, with tax that comes out to $5.19. And yes, I am an idiot. An idiot who now has no debit card.

And funny side note, you know when I said "15 times $5.19 = Bryce is pissed," I have noticed that almost all mathematical calculations I work on have that same product. Good job for me deciding to be an accountant.

Easily the Most Anoying Video Ever Made

2008-01-03T15:29:00.000-08:00

11:18pm, Guess What Just Happened

2007-11-28T21:18:00.001-08:00

So I bought a laptop stand online. It's pretty cool. It came in a big box; 2 feet long by 1 foot tall. It was 11:18pm and I decided I needed to take the box downstairs. Instead of carrying it, I chose to ride it like a horse. So, I am a 27 year old man, and I chose to ride it like a horse.

I honestly made it down two steps before the front of the box tore and I somersaulted down the stairs and ended up lying face down on the cold tile floor in the kitchen. And I'm serious about only making it down two steps, and I'm serious about actually going end-over-end down the stairs, and I'm serious about landing on my face. I woke up Mom and Dad, which I feel bad about, but my iPhone came out unscathed, which I'm happy about.

Just yesterday after the Cub Scout pack meeting (I'm the Cubmaster), a friend of mine told me that life was getting too serious for him. Apparently I am not dealing with that problem.

Thanksgiving Video - By: Bryce

2007-11-23T21:42:00.000-08:00

I made this. Enjoi.

My Wife Is Cute

2007-11-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

Just a second ago, Rachel walked out of the family room and into the bathroom. I asked her what she was doing and she answered,

"I'm going to take my earrings out and put them in a little dish so I don't lose them."

Normally in that situation I would expect someone to say "Nothing," or " Taking my earrings out," you know, something not so long and descriptive as Rachel's answer. But it was cute, and that is why I love her.

Things I hate

2007-08-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

1) Pooping in public bathrooms.

WTF? Most Awesome Picture Ever?

2007-08-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

Long Live Survivorman!!

2007-08-15T19:44:00.001-07:00

Bear Grylls (Edward Michael Grylls) is a bad mofo. Seriously. Check out his profile on Wikipedia and read about what he has done. Man vs. Wild is quite lame, though. I need to first state that his show never claimed that the risks he takes are 100% real. The show is really about educating the audience on survival techniques, and it accomplishes that objective very well. I just think it is too bad that he sells himself short to make the program.

I'll state again, he is a bad mofo; I just wish that his show was a bit more conductive of his bad mofo-ness. I think his show would do well taking a lesson from Les Stroud (Survivorman).

A Barrel Roll?

2007-08-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

How To Make A Man Miserable In Two Easy Steps

2007-08-06T08:52:00.000-07:00

Step one: Cut his hair.

Step two: Shave his face.

And there you have it. You can make a man miserable by following these two easy steps. For added bonus, tell him that he also has to start work in three days. That'll get him!

And It Is Here...

2007-08-01T19:14:00.001-07:00

I know that I look like a geesh. But don't say that to me, 'cause I'm packing now.

Application Completed - License Issued or Certificate Active

2007-07-29T14:49:00.000-07:00

I logged onto the Texas Department of Safety website to check the status of my processing concealed weapons permit. And finally, after about two months of waiting, the license has been issued. Hopefully it will come in the mail this week!

2007-07-28T08:57:00.000-07:00

That is what men do. They hug it out, bitch. But a word of warning, don't say that to a woman.

My Version of Why the NHL Beats All Other Major Sports Leagues

2007-07-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

I just read this article, in which some guy details the reasons that the NHL is the best professional sports league in the world. Although I do agree with most of the things he wrote, I figured I could do better. So here is my version of why the NHL beats all other major sports leagues:

Why the NHL is better than the MLB
1. Baseball players are gay.
2. Pucks travel at speeds over 100 mph.

Why the NHL is better than the NBA
1. Basketball players are gay.
2. Pucks travel at speeds over 100 mph.

Why the NHL is better than the NFL
1. Hockey hits happen during sprints in which both skaters may be skating up to 40 mph (that's like a car accident).
2. Pucks travel at speeds over 100 mph.

Why the NHL is better than NASCAR
1. NASCAR isn't a sport.
2. Pucks travel at speeds over 100 mph, and often hit players in the unprotected face.

Why the NHL is better than the MLS
1. Soccer is gay.
2. Pucks travel at over 100 mph and are hard rubber.
3. Soccer is really gay.

Enjoi

2007-07-20T22:32:00.001-07:00

I'll be back in less than a week.

Microsoft Surface

2007-07-09T16:24:00.000-07:00

My brother just sent me this to this video that demonstrates the coolness of Microsoft's new table-computer, the Surface.

This is the same computer that I mentioned in my blog a few days ago.

Five Things That Are Worse Than This Guy's Five Things That Are Worse Than Global Warming

2007-07-07T13:34:00.000-07:00

Today I read this article of five things that we should consider as greater threats than global warming. To spare you from having to read the entire article, the five things are:

5) The End of Cheap Oil
4) The Collapse of Ocean Ecosystems
3) The Coming (Fresh) Water Crisis
2) Deforestation
1) Nuclear Weapons

So, I agree that these things can all make the world suck something fierce. But come on, could the author not think of a few things that are a bit scarier than "The End of Cheap Oil." So I have taken it upon myself to inform everyone of the five things that are much worse than this guy's five things that are worse than global warming.

5) Asteroids
Because in the real world, neither Ben Affleck's cockiness nor Bruce Willis' rugged good looks would stop an asteroid from decimating the planet completely.

4) Intelligent Apes
Have you ever watched the Discovery Channel and seen how fast apes can move through trees? They are faster and more agile than ninjas. And they are completely quiet. AND as we read in Congo, their weapon of choice would be two ping pong paddle-shaped rocks with which they would smack the sides of your head at the same time. The last thing we need is these ping ponging tree ninjas to be able to communicate with each other. Tell me that isn't scarier than deforestation!

3) Another Ghostbusters Movie
The earth would absolutely explode due to the awesomeness of it.

2) Hand Sanitizer
Have you ever heard that hand sanitizer gel breeds super-bacteria? It's true. When you put the gel on your hand, it kills all the bacteria it touches. However, the bacteria that exists on your hand right outside the place where the gel touches, gets a small dose of the alcohol and begins to build an immunity to it. Soon enough we will have sanitized away all the benign bacteria, leaving only the super-bacteria. And with all the super-bacteria surviving on our bodies that no longer have other bacteria to eat, what will they turn to? That's right, human flesh.

So, by the transitive properties of algebra:

if

sanitizer gel = super-bacteria

and

super-bacteria = flesh being eaten

then,

sanitizer gel = your flesh being eaten... 'till you are dead.

1) Zombies
Okay, if you know me, you know I love zombies. But the truth is, there is nothing scarier since the introduction of man, than one of them coming back to life after being dead in order to do nothing else other than eat the brains of the living. I mean are you kidding me? They come back to life ONLY TO EAT BRAINS. And when I say brains, I mean the BRAINS FROM THE INSIDE OF A LIVING HUMAN'S HEAD! I would much rather die from an nuclear blast, than having my next door neighbor's 18 year old daughter gnawing on my skull. At least I think I would... I haven't seen her in a long time.

It is Raining in Houston... Still.

2007-07-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

It seems that it has been raining everyday for the past two weeks. I remembered that I hadn't washed my tent since I last went camping, so I set it up in the back yard to let the rain clean it.

I also put on my rain-proof ensemble; a.k.a. my Marmot Jacket, my Mountain Hardwear pants, and my Vasque GoreTex boots and pretended that I was still in Idaho... camping... where I'd like to spend the rest of my life.

Microsoft Sucks

2007-07-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

If you go to the MSN Tech web page and scroll down to the list of "popular" stories, you will notice that (as of right now) 4 of the 6 stories are about the iPhone. What is interesting, but not surprising, is that they all are very critical of the iPhone. It is just like Microsoft to pull this crap. It is typical Microsoft to remain in denial when it comes to challenging their supremacy in all things tech. For example: Several of Microsoft's bigwigs have made comments that the iPod's success is due to the fact that Apple entered the digital music industry early on, however, none will ever be willing to admit the fact that the iPod itself has a lot to do with it. I mean it is obvious that they love the iPod, otherwise they wouldn't have built the Zune to mimic it so closely.

If they want to post 4 interesting links, here are my thoughts:

1) A link to the Steve Ballmer (CEO of Microsoft) interview in which he made fun of the iPhone as the "most expensive cell phone in the world" and insinuated that the phone wouldn't sell.

2) Then a link to the analyst estimates that the phone has already sold over 700,000 units and are expected to hit the 1 Million mark by this weekend.

3) A link to the Microsoft Surface homepage.
The Surface is Microsoft's breakthrough multi-touch input, coffee-sized table that they hope to put into consumer's hands by next year with a price tag of $10,000.

4) Then a link to Apple's iPhone web page.
The iPhone is Apple's breakthrough multi-touch input, hand held device that is already available to consumers for under $600.

Zoom Zoom Zoom!

First one ever.

2007-06-29T14:15:00.001-07:00

This is my first blog. Let's see how it goes.

And here is a picture.